Help for Friends & Families of Gay People
By Lori Rentzel
Dealing with your own Reactions to Homosexuality
When another person tells you of their gayness, it may seem that the uniqueness of their situation causes your own problems to seem rather inconsequential. However, your first encounter with the subject of homosexuality may result in some distressing and confusing reactions on your part. Don't feel guilty for having problems of your own. Most people do have some difficulty dealing with the confession of gayness by someone they care about. Here are a few tips to working through these reactions:
Don't take it personally. This is a common reaction. Sometimes, a gay person will be disclosing their past with the intent to hurt you or get you to share the blame for their current situation. This is not usually the case, and it is just as likely that the person shares with you in an attempt to become closer. Either way, try to look at their homosexuality as a simple fact: "This is how it is." It is not something intended to hurt you, incriminate or embarrass you, or to be a statement about you in any way.
The problem of "taking it personally" is especially felt by parents and spouses of gay people. They are particularly vulnerable, because some of their actions may conceivably have had some influence on the situation. But in reality, homosexuality is a condition with such deep extensive causes that one individual can hardly hold themselves responsible for "making another person gay." It will help if you get this firmly established in your mind. You are not to blame for your loved one's homosexual problems.
Dealing with questions about your own sexuality - An almost inevitable result of learning about the gayness of someone close to you is that you begin questioning you own sexual identity. Most people have a number of fears about their own sexuality to begin with, and these fears will probably rise to the forefront at this time. Some will even ask themselves, "Do I have homosexual tendencies?"
A common problem we encounter in counselling is fear of homosexuality, otherwise known as homophobia. For many people, the fear of something is greater than the thing itself, and some will involve themselves in homosexual activities just to rid themselves of the fear of being gay.
Another aspect of the homophobic reaction, one which is just as common as questioning your own sexual identity, is the reaction of fear, repulsion and disgust. It is out of this type of reaction that words such as "queer, poofter, pervert and dyke" come into use. Some people, upon learning of the homosexuality of someone close, will actually become physically ill and be sick. These violent emotional and physical symptoms are a normal reaction to homosexuality. However, a message that many Christians are reluctant to learn is that it is NOT ACCEPTABLE to allow the attitudes behind these feelings to remain part of your life, influencing the way you treat people from a homosexual background.
It is amazing how Christians who wholeheartedly believe in treating alcoholics, prostitutes and even murderers with the love of Christ will see a couple of gay people walking down the street and say, "Look at those two poofters!" What is even more amazing is that these Christians will feel completely justified in having this attitude! But such an attitude towards those with homosexual issues is NOT alright with God. God does judge and condemn homosexual acts and the gay lifestyle, but Christ never treated those caught up in sexual sin in such a debasing way. Consider how Christ treated the Samaritan woman at the well and the woman caught in adultery. While the Pharisees, the religious men of that time, looked on such people with contempt, Christ forgave them. Although He confronted them with their sin and in no way condoned it, He was more concerned with meeting the needs of their hearts and setting them free to live productive and fulfilling lives.
This is the attitude we need to take in ministering to those with homosexual issues. If you don't have such an attitude, and you are overwhelmed with feelings of fear and repulsion, be honest with yourself and God! Bring these things before God in prayer, asking Him to give you a change of heart. He'll do it! It may take time though. Be patient with yourself and persistent in prayer, and you will see changes.
