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Old 4th June 2013, 07:56 PM   #1
carmen
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Question Porn addiction - Leave him?

We've been married a year and a half and have no children. I'm 35, he's 40.

My husband does not want to have sex with me. It's been this way the past three years, when we were living together before marriage. He said it was because he felt I was controlling.

I knew he had always watched porn, but I didn't know the extent of his viewing until today. I think he's addicted. He watches only "mature porn"/granny porn and watches it almost every day, up to three times a day. He also told me once that when he was in his early twenties, he had fallen in love with the mother of his girlfriend.

Recently, he has started checking out websites of swingers clubs and dating sites for mature women.

I look like I'm in my 20s, so I'm far from his "type".

We've fought over his preference of porn to sex with me before. Nothing has changed. I don't mind him watching porn from time to time (I do too), but when it becomes an addiction that is damaging and taking over intimacy between a couple, I think we do have a problem.

Also, I'm not sure I'd want to have a child with someone with a porn addiction.
We've been talking about having a child.

So I'm seriously considering leaving, but I don't want to make a hasty, emotionally driven decision. Of course it's been very painful and has wrecked havoc on my mind. I'm bipolar, it's under control, but this is destabilising me.

Yet he's a good friend and has been very loving and supportive to me. He tells me he loves me every day, and in his eyes I see tenderness and love.
It would have been a good marriage, were it not for the intimacy issue.

Finally, I'm not sure how to go about this as I'm also in the wrong, having checked his browsing history. Clearly he would be enraged by my intrusion of his privacy. I checked because I find that I cannot trust him, given the lack of intimacy and my knowledge of his preference for another type of women. It's a constant weight to bear.
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Old 7th June 2013, 09:01 PM   #2
Forever
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Re: Porn addiction - Leave him?

Looks like most of the helping hands here are away which is unusual.

I live with a 60 year old husband who says he loves me and treats me good...but is still caught up in lust for other women and has had affairs (and worse) over the years. If he (and yours) fail to have a true Spiritual "overhaul" this will not change...EVER. You will find yourself with a baby on the hip and facing a divorce...it is just the nature of this beast. A marriage that has no trust CANNOT survive...but it can at least give you some time to position yourself to leave if you play your cards right. I am not my husband's "type" either, although I am considered beautiful especially for my age...I look barely forty although I am pushing sixty and am slender but not super skinny. But I am just not good enough for him...I do not fit his "profile" (he prefers half his age, much larger breast, olive or tanned skin, VERY skinny with bony knees, and willing to do anal sex). His ex wife had ALL these attributes and he still cheated on her...go figure...apparently, variety is important to him also, and porn/lust for other women is his way to build up his libido rather than tapping into love, because there isn't any...not really. I am just a hole that he uses when he is ready to release...thank God it is "only" twice a month. The axe is already at the base of the tree...it is just a matter of time.

I have no problem with checking his history or checking anything else that I find suspicious...although now days I do not bother (what for ?...I know what I will find and choose to spare myself the emotional melt down)...and I use to check it right out in the open just the same as he does anything he does not like when he has an issue about me. If he does not like it and decides to "jump ship" because his actions cause me that much concern that I went snooping, then good riddance sooner rather than later. If he had nothing to hide...if he had integtrity and faithfulness, he would not mind sharing his thoughts, internet/phone activity or answering questions honestly and w/o anger or rebuke.

Hope that helps.

Last edited by Forever; 7th June 2013 at 09:25 PM.
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Old 7th June 2013, 11:02 PM   #3
puffingirl
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Re: Porn addiction - Leave him?

My first husband looked at porn quite a lot and some weird stuff too. I kept finding magazines as well as websites. He used to watch it and say why cant you look like that? I felt like he did not find me attractive anymore. I started to diet thinking if i was thinner i would be better it developed into an eating disorder. When it ended i improved to an acceptable level. My second husband used to look at it. Whenever i found it i used to get upset asking him if he found me attractive. He said he did but likes to look. I began my eating disorder again and still have it to an extent. He says he does not look but i suspect he still does. He says because it bothers me and he can understand why he wont. But to be honest the way i feel about him now i am not bothered. This needs tackling before your self esteem is gone.
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Old 9th June 2013, 10:02 AM   #4
Raymond
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Re: Porn addiction - Leave him?

Yeah I have just come back from a holiday as well. Good job you were around Forever.

We have had lots on this subject on here. I always treat it as mental adultery. The symptoms are very similar to real adultery or affairs. The sexual drive has found another object of it's desire instead of the spouse. Surely this is unfaithfulness and should be fought against and not just accepted.

I feel because you look at it as well Carmen you have weakened your position and are enabling him to a certain extent. It really takes an all out war against it to get back the purity and intimacy of a marriage. A lot are stumbling these days just because it is there. Passivity with this subject is a deadly enemy of marriage.

I believe there is a place for divorce where the other has become addicted and has no desire to change and be free of it. If he doesn't change and repent of it I don't see where you can go. I would advise not to get pregnant at this stage.

If you can get the dvd Fireproof and watch it it might help.
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Old 10th June 2013, 06:25 AM   #5
1aokgal
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Re: Porn addiction - Leave him?

Dear Carmen...

I was here and not on vacation, but I thought to let others respond to your letter. Maybe I thought I'd sound harsh in how I see your situation. Sex is an important component of a marriage and for a woman to feel unwanted, unattractive, is devastating to the self esteem. If your husbands' sex drive has been diverted from your bedroom, then your problem is often heard on this site.

Raymond stated some of my feeling about porn use. A wife cannot stand on HIGH ground when porn is accepted as a component of the sexuality in marriage. When you allow PORN into your marriage bed AND into your home, you can't then protest, when he chooses to use porn as an outlet instead of his wife.

Men lose the physical sensitivity from Coitus and most will prefer masturbation. The stimulus a man gives himself is usually better, and preferable, then to put himself out to please a partner. Mental imagery with a lithe, young and busty do-anything fantsy woman is easier than to meet a partners timing and needs. Porn is not an enhancement, it is a replacement for a partner. Sometimes porn is so good a fantasy a man can lose all interest in ONE partner and desires others. It seems your husband is already looking at swinger clubs and dating sites. He figures it is easier to connect to mature women for obvious reasons of time and there is his fixation on the mother figure. You see he is on the prowl. Maybe he has connected with women already?

Remember in the workplace women are nicely dressed, so there is always competition out there, if a man is looking. You had an indication of these problems early in your relationship. He has done his best to make you feel as if his lack of sexual interest in you is a punishment for your "controlling" behavior. He "withholds" because of your behavior..you are "unworthy" of his sexual interest. Therefore, it is your fault..from what he has told you. That is a pretty demeaning accusation to make to excuse his behavior. He has done his best to make you feel bad and unattractive. Of course, he will not take responsibility for what he does. Is this man employed that he has time to watch porn three times a day? That doesn't sound as if he has anything lucrative going on, except to play to his addiction! Are you the one working? How have you allowed this?

I will give you the best advice of your life. Make sure if you DO have sex (that seems unlikely) with this man, you make sure you use birth control. You get your act together and GET out. You are in a lose, lose situation. He has the kind of addiction that does NOT react well with even long term psychiatric counselling. The only thing that can compel a change of a porn addiction would be a deep moral and spiritual committment to change. Then both of you together should get counselling to heal your marriage. There has to be a ZERO tolerance to porn use in a Christian marriage.

If you do not see that he can make that promise to make these changes NOW, then you best get your self ready to exit what can only be a deeply unhappy and unfulfilling life. He is a man who puts you far down on his list. Hedonistic living is what animals do, because they don't have a conscience, and don't mate for love. There is a morality expected to how we live.

I talked with a woman today who divorced her husband who took off with a woman from their church after a 25 yr marriage. It took her two years to locate this man, so she could get the divorce papers served. So if you don't want that kind of life, make some demands on your husbandand. Put him to the test. No one judges you for sleuthing behind a man who can't be trusted. That doesn't sound like a good way to waste your life, does it? I'd sooner see you happier, wouldn't you?

Last edited by 1aokgal; 10th June 2013 at 06:42 AM.
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Old 10th June 2013, 07:27 AM   #6
1aokgal
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Re: Porn addiction - Leave him?

Puffing Girl...

Desire to be perfect in the eyes of a lover or husband can drive women to many avenues. I had plastic surgery, makeovers and dieted to please, until I developed a life threatening illness of Pernicious Anemia. It took medical intervention to save my life but the aftermth was the loss of ability to intake certain essential nutrients. That means a reliance on monthly shots for me to stay healthy.

When a man withholds sex for whatever reason, the woman can then translate that problem as being her fault. She is not thin enough, sexy enough, or whatever standard we believe, to change the dynamics in the bedroom. Your eating disorder can be life threatening, as mine was then, so don't internalize that you are not attractive when the fault is in the use of porn. Porn is the "crutch" a man can use when he can't function in a normal manner. Partly this problem is the result of the worldliness that exists in movies, mags, books and the internet stimuli that brings garbage easily obtainable to those who seek it. There has to be an understanding and pact you make, that porn is not accetable in your home.
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Old 10th June 2013, 10:23 AM   #7
Raymond
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Re: Porn addiction - Leave him?

Very wise words in these posts 1okgirl.
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Old 10th June 2013, 06:20 PM   #8
1aokgal
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Re: Porn addiction - Leave him?

Ah, Raymond, You are wise by far and have the miles to prove it! Thanks for your words.

The world is so screwed up and people arrive here so wounded! This is a place of safety and sanity, if they will just take the words to heart.

My husband returns from his tour of 4 months and I so long to set eyes on his face. Summer promises to be beautiful in this area. He will be home for a few months so we get the vacation here, where others go to the sea, we live next to it. I think we will plan a couple days in Washington, DC touristing and home through the mountains. Hope you had a great vacation!
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Old 10th June 2013, 08:37 PM   #9
Raymond
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Re: Porn addiction - Leave him?

Yes it was great thanks 1okgal. By the sea of course. Sunny all week. My two sons, daughter in law and her baby came too. Cooked some sea kale growing on the beach. Packed with vitamins and iron apparently.

Have a lovely summer holiday.
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Old 10th June 2013, 11:55 PM   #10
1aokgal
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Re: Porn addiction - Leave him?

You had lovely family time and that renews one. My daughter signed up for a farm program. She pays flat fee for quantity fresh veggies pickup for months at a time. No shopping grocery stores and better goods. She is a super veggie cook..and keeps in shape for it.

I look forward to school summer break to spend time with/grandaughter, 15. She is a great model on my WS and here while her mom works some shifts. My husband will be back on 27th and we count days. He is the dearest thing. We miss a lot with his fine job that includes time away.

No husband around for months at a time means extra time for my website business, paintings and time to sew. One is very self reliant. His job has benefits of great money and he gets several months paid vacation break between tours. We vacation at home most of the time with great summer activities here.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 11th June 2013 at 05:57 PM.
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Old 11th June 2013, 04:59 AM   #11
carmen
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Re: Porn addiction - Leave him?

Hi guys, thank you very much for your advice. For some reason I couldn't see that there had been replies to my post, which explains this rather belated response.

I am digesting all that you've said. Looks like the only way is out, huh.

He can watch it three times a day because he's a university lecturer. Always hiding behind his computer on the pretext of 'research'. He is very defensive about the whole i should respect his privacy thing. even told me he could call the police when i checked his phone in the past.

I've to admit that I started watching porn because of the lack of sex in our relationship. Initially I felt very angry with him, for leading me to this warped 'solution', but these days I don't look at it anymore and can't be bothered.
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Old 11th June 2013, 08:45 AM   #12
Raymond
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Re: Porn addiction - Leave him?

You need to give him the opportunity to change I would say Carmen by confronting his behaviour, if you haven't already. This is no way for him to conduct his marriage. Sex should be between the two of you.

If he refuses to give it up then I would say it is on the level of mental adultery. There is a difference between someone who has developed this problem and is trying to change and someone who refuses to acknowledge anything is wrong. You need to confront to find out. Not in a militant way but confront all the same. If he refuses to acknowledge that anything is wrong then the marriage is going nowhere in my opinion. I would keep on this tack until he really gets the message, then at least you know you have done your best. As for ending the marriage that must be your choice not ours although I would say in certain situations when porn reaches certain levels it can be grounds for divorce as it is mental adultery in my book.
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Old 11th June 2013, 04:36 PM   #13
1aokgal
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Re: Porn addiction - Leave him?

Dear Carmen..

You are 35, and that is the best time in your life! He threatens to call the police, he is hostile and insults you about your "inadequacies!" You knew from the very beginning this marriage/relationship was not right and did not contain sex for you. It does contain sex for him, either by himself, or with someone since he is actively is on the prowl with the sites. You don't need to be hit over the head, do you, that your life has taken a serious downward spiral and you deserve better?

Confront your husband about his behavior and what expectations you have for your marriage. Put him to the test. If he postures and gives you excuses and denials, get your skills together, and make better plans for your life. Perhaps you should set up a conselling appointment for yourself to deal with what this behavior has done to your confidence. Did you think he was a big deal because of his position? Forgive me for saying this, but there has to be some tradeoff you get to remain in a marriage with a man who won't have sex with you?

I hope you realize that your biological clock is running? Don't even consider having a child where love is absent. You are roomates, and get a regular dose of reasons he doesn't meet your needs. He tells you the "No sex" is your fault. Life is too short to waste. It also should be a great concern to you that he has searches for swingers groups and mature sex sites. Next he might suggest that the two of you visit swingers clubs. That search of his should tell you there is moral fiber missing there. Maybe there is a great love story in your life, if you make better decisions. Give him chance and make a decision to have more for yourself.

Last edited by 1aokgal; 11th June 2013 at 04:43 PM.
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