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Old 25th August 2006, 12:25 PM   #1
Numb
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Do Separated couples ever get back together??

Hi
I have read many threads on this forum and most discuss spearation at great length or the 'moving on' process or divorce followed by moving on.
I commend those of you who have come to realise that whilst in separation that there is no future for the relationship and have begun to move on.
However this got me wondering, Do Separated couples ever get back together?
Having read through these threads it seems to be uncommon. I guess no one can provide the answer for my situation but I would love to hear of any that have successfully got it on again.
I am 3 weeks into the 'living on my own' experience and 2 months into separation as wife W and I were, to all intense and purposes, separated in the same house for that period.
I love my W very much but she has told me that she no longer loves me and cannot give me what I want. For now I am just giving her space in the hope that she will have time to think things through and maybe find a thread of love for me that we can build on. Not sure how likely this is to happen but just putting this thread out there for any feedback. Look forward to hearing back from anyone who has got back together with an ex or any others comments.
Cheers!
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Old 25th August 2006, 03:21 PM   #2
Kimberley
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Re: Do Separated couples ever get back together??

Hi there Numb

Im sorry to hear your thread it is such a shame when the person you love and cherish the most in your wife does not respond in the same way and feel so much for you and the pain you are going through. I do think some couples get back together and the forum is an excellent place to go to when you need to talk and dont feel that perhaps your family and friends totally understand until they have been through it.

Give your wife the space and try and priortise yourself and your needs for a while as well. I hope it all works out in the best way for you even if it is not the way you wish for at the moment.

Try and go to the gym or swim it helped me. I lost the person I loved and adored but in the end I have come out a stronger happier person and hope one day to find love again but Im not rushing

Good luck

Kimberley X
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Old 25th August 2006, 04:45 PM   #3
Numb
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Re: Do Separated couples ever get back together??

Kimberley
Thank you so much for your kind words of sympathy. I have read some of your thread responses and feel I know a little of your 'story'.
It is so encouraging to hear that you have made it through the 'darkness' and feel happier and stronger than before. I too hope that if the path back to my wife and happiness does not evolve then I find a path to some sort of happiness elsewhere.
I guess some couples do get together again but there just doesn't seem to be much evidence of it on this forum. By saying that I am probably at the stage of accepting it also. I still have some hope but it is dwindling by the day. However I am not the feeble wreck I was and can at least accept that there is a life and hopefully a happy one if the space and time I give my W does not end with the happy ending I expect.
Thank you so much Kimberley for taking the time to add your comments.
I am still however still Numb

Would love to hear from anyone else on this subject
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Old 25th August 2006, 05:22 PM   #4
Dave
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Re: Do Separated couples ever get back together??

Hi Numb

Some couples do come through the separation and make a success of their marriages again - there are some threads here (though I'd have to do a bit of digging to find them), and certainly we know some couples personally.

One frequently overlooked aspect to this is to look to try to create a managed separation - there is an article here which describes what I mean. Basically it involves setting the ground rules for both of you to behave to during the separation, and trying to decide what the criteria are for either ending by parting, or getting back together. If you can get a third party to hold both of you accountable in the process, then so much the better.

Best wishes

Dave
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Old 25th August 2006, 05:30 PM   #5
Numb
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Re: Do Separated couples ever get back together??

Hi Dave
Not sure if I have confused everyone here but getting back together with my wife is only what I am hoping will happen. She is still of the opinion that it is permanent. However I know that she is upset and hurt by our separation so I can only hope that giving her space and time will help her think about what she really wants clearly.
I suppose that if a couple had agreed a trial separation then the links you mention would be of great use.
Here's hoping that in the coming weeks, months that the discussions with my wife can turn even a little in the direction of agreeing ours is only a trial separation. Don't wish to have false hope, but I love her dearly.
Thanks
Numb
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Old 25th August 2006, 09:20 PM   #6
markus
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Re: Do Separated couples ever get back together??

I dont think the time apart is going to make her love you again - you not being a part of her life on a daily basis will not correct where you both failed
She isn't going to wake up one day and think i want the person back who failed to meet my needs
If you want her back you need to do some serious thinking and accept that you can make changes and then prove to her that you will do anything it takes to make the relationship work
Its not going to do it on its own is it ?
Ive read online somewhere about a couple who went through this and it gave him the motivation to change and now they are both happier than ever


Quote:
getting back together with my wife is only what I am hoping will happen. She is still of the opinion that it is permanent.
Im hoping to win the lottery but its not going to happen if i dont get off my arse and buy the ticket ?


You need to build up your confidence - get some ammo - buy these two books and then go back and show her you mean business


'Self Matters'
'Rescue Relationship' by Phil Mcgraw
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Old 25th August 2006, 10:37 PM   #7
Numb
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Re: Do Separated couples ever get back together??

Hi Markus
Thanks for you feedback and the book titles. I will indeed source these out. To be honest, I haven't just been sitting on my arse. The reason I am now giving her space is because I was basically in her face since leaving, telling her how much I adore her, saying how I could change, asking what she wanted from this relationship, but soon realised it was too soon. She had the shutters down and all her responses were telling me she wanted space. To back off. She wanted time apart from me. We have four children together, 3 still at home. Logically, she still has the house to look after, the kids to care for and a job to hold down. Right now the last thing she needs is my demands as well. I plan to give it a couple of weeks and then ask her to lunch. I think we need to be friends before anything else can occur if it is going to. But at the moment we see each other to collect/drop off the kids and are reasonable with each other. But it isn't a friendship and I believe this is because everything is still raw. Time will have a part in whether we get back together but I acknowledge I will have to work hard at it too if I truly want her back.
Thanks
Numb
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Old 10th October 2008, 06:59 PM   #8
Woody
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Re: Do Separated couples ever get back together??

Hi Numb, My wife and I have been seperated for about 3 months now. We have been together for over 30 years and it is a terrible blow. I love my wife with all my heart and I surely don't want to lose her so we agreed that we would seperate for a while. We are talking some and I pray that she and I can get back together. We have two sons and we have 5 grandchildren that we love very much as well. It is hard on the children. I am trying everything in my power to try and do my part to make our marriage work. You don't know how good of a thing you have until it is gone. I cannot sleep or eat right. I pray that God will touch both of our hearts and let us work this out. I really miss her so much. Good luck to you too and I will pray for you and your wife.

Woody
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Old 12th October 2008, 06:16 PM   #9
lanzarotedoll
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Re: Do Separated couples ever get back together??

Hey Numb

Nice to meet you. I've read through your threads and some of the advice you've been getting. I am in a similar situation to you at the moment. My husband and I have been married 13yrs and together 17. Basically, our relationship started breaking down just over a year ago and we were going through the motions of living and not much else. Sex, affection, talking, laughing ... everything like that just seemed to stop.

It came to a head this May when I found out he had met another woman 2 or 3 times. He says nothing happened that it was just coffee. But I was devastated to say the least. Since I found out I have been desparately trying to come to terms with it all.

The realisation that I didn't want to be without him hit me the week after he moved out the marital home. I can see the mistakes that have been made on both sides and what could be done to make things better. But alas, he has said that we're not compatible anymore and that he does have some love for me but not enough to want to be with me.

I too wish that perhaps the separation will maybe have him wanting to come back but at the end of the day, as someone has quoted already, you can't make someone love you. Im trying to take it a day at a time. Some days I think I'm getting on fine then the next I'm sad and down.

You should try taking some time out for you which is what I'm trying to do but it aint easy. Time is supposed to be a great healer. And it is only it doesn't seem that way just now. I reckon there will be lots more tears to come from both you and me but chin up. Just see what each day brings and deal with it then.

Hope things improve.

Lanzarotedoll
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Old 13th October 2008, 12:01 AM   #10
matty
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Re: Do Separated couples ever get back together??

I personally think there is always a chance of seperated couples getting back together but there is no doubt it makes it harder. I split from my wife a few years ago and she moved back to her mothers with the kids, it took around 3 months to get back together but we managed. You may have noticed i'm going though a bad time myself just now again and my wife wants to get her own place but to be honest i really feel if she does this its close to being a lost cause. It all depends on the mood and circumstances. My fear this time is if my wife does get her own place its going to be a lot harder than her moving back from her mothers.
Right now we are still spending quality time together and what i would say is if you can still have an ivolvement then there is a better chance, only other thing is she may not like living on her own and this can also work but never guarenteed !
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Old 13th October 2008, 12:33 PM   #11
val100
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Re: Do Separated couples ever get back together??

Hi numb,

Yes some couples get back together after a separation.

I was 18 months separated and am now 5 months together.
at the moment it is going fantastically well we have our moments but that is to be expected.

I cannot say that the same will happen for you and your wife. I found that for me I had to accept it was over and let him know that, once he realised he had lost me, that I was happy and settled into my new life he started to rebuild our friendship.

During our separation we put each other through hell, it was an awful mess and break up. I moved away and rebuilt my life and actually I was happy. He met someone else and moved in with her.

We spoke recently about it all and he said "she just wasn't me and he needed his life back"
Truth is you have to let your wife go. Only when she realises that you accept her decision and you are moving on with your life will the opportunity arise for you two to become friends again.

Then again you also need to accept the fact that you cannot make someone love you and perhaps your marriage is over.

I cannot say what will happen with me and my H all I know is that I am happier than I have been in at least 10 yrs. We do fall out but we sort it and then it is over. I know that I am in this for the long haul and so is he.
We are smiling and laughing and we take it one day at a time.

Numb you must take this separation one day at a time look at finding your own happiness. Take care of your health and eat properly, be kind to your wife and yourself.
Accept that this is how life is for now. Keep posting and read those books suggested earlier.

Be strong
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Old 13th October 2008, 02:26 PM   #12
kyalan
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Re: Do Separated couples ever get back together??

yes they do
me and W hated each other and were seperated for 6 months
but we've settled our differences and are now back together!
good times all round :-)
fingers crossed for you x

Kyalan
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Old 13th October 2008, 02:41 PM   #13
Laura3169
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Re: Do Separated couples ever get back together??

Another yes, me & H been separated for 3 months. We are taking things slowly and starting a fresh which is great. What's the saying, you don't know what you've got until it has gone!!

Good Luck x
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Old 30th December 2008, 05:02 PM   #14
912jws
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Re: Do Separated couples ever get back together??

Forgive and forget?

Hi everybody, some of you may remember me Ė Val/Raymond/kyalan et al

Things recently between my wife and I have rapidly progressed in the last several weeks in that she has asked me to move back in with the family at the new rented home that she got back in the summer. She is being the person that I wanted her to be prior to a couple of years back, ie. Telling me she loves me and being generally affectionate/caring which obviously gives me the boost to be responsive back considering that we have been separated for almost a year(her choice) and her previous emotional affair.
It has certainly been a difficult year for me and although I was trying to move forward I never actually dated anybody and wasnít really in the right frame of mind which is probably a good thing?
We have just spent a lovely Christmas together and visited the inlaws for a few days and I have gradually started moving my stuff back into her house.
In our time apart I had heard the kids mentions a couple of guys names and seen some notes left on the calendar saying so and so visiting which wound me up but I kept my mouth shut. Obviously in the time we have been back together I have not thought too much about anyone else in her life and I kept telling myself that if she was seeing someone else previously then it canít have been much of a relationship if any if they hardly ever saw each other.
I brought a few things back from the family Christmas break on my own as I had to get back to work for the new year while the kids and my wife stay on a few more days at her parents, one of the things I brought back in my luggage was my wifes old pda style phone which she has just replaced, she had offered to give it to her parents but unfortunately the sim is locked and doesnít work in the country they live in. On arriving home I did a stupid thing and switched the thing on, what is it they say Ďcuriosity killed the cat?í anyway my wife has forgot to delete her old texts and I find a barrage of texts from one guy and some referencing the fact that some sex has taken place, the messages go back from October back to March, not loads but enough to paint a picture.
This in it itself has naturally deflated me purely because of the sex and the thought of someone else being with my wife, I know we were separated but it still feels like a betrayal, I think because I never wanted to be apart in the first place and because of the emotional affair a few years back I sometimes whether I am a mug or perhaps thatís love for you!. I feel a bit resentful to her in the fact I have to deal with all this crap and ask myself will this happen again? I also worry that she was exactly the same after the last emotional affair a few years back and I donít want to be in the same boat in a couple of years time although I must admit I think we are in a better position this time to spot any problems and resolve them.
I donít know if I should mention that I saw these messages as I am supposed to be selling the phone on ebay so could say I was checking whether it was fully locked? Do I keep quiet and accept that we are getting on well and try and ride out these thoughts, I was even thinking about STDís and if I need a check up?

If anybody has any advice then that would be appreciated.

Thanks

Jon
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Old 30th December 2008, 09:50 PM   #15
Helen_uk
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Re: Do Separated couples ever get back together??

As you're selling the phone for her it's perfectly natural you would check it . I'd tell her you've done so but not in an accusatory way. If she then wants to talk to you about what happened while you were apart that's her choice. Because you WERE apart and that does make a difference-though it doesn't hurt any less I know .

Then sell the phone and get on with getting your lives back together as a couple. Love means nothing without trust and you've already taken the decision to forgive and rekindle the marriage. I can't see that anything can be achived by holding onto the past. Live in the now... It's all any of us have.

Good luck

Helen
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